Reality

It's ridiculously classic, hopelessly cliche, yet all the more true, all the more significant for it.

As I sit here, with my hands still reeking of disinfectant, I cannot help but wonder at how much time has passed over the years, and how I simply glossed over certain things. I wonder at the seeming permanence of people, of things, and of the true fleeting transience that can rob you of things most precious without the luxury of an instant's notice.

There are some things I have always been dimly aware of, yet singularly failed to realise its true significance. There are some things I have always taken for granted, until harsh reality had me around the throat, and refused to let go. The helplessness and frustration experienced feeds upon themselves, building with each single moment of helpless waiting. The myriad feelings of anxiety, concern, and worry concentrated and overflowed within my heart, and it was then that I was painfully reminded of the fragile balance my life stood upon, and my life, my family, is not immune to the trials and tribulations that others underwent. I realised the extent of love and concern I felt for my family (yes, and you, my friends, too) completely overwhelmed any petty arguments or squabbles in the past, and I remembered two words which had whispered past my ears so many times, but only now did I truly comprehend its true meaning -- 'Carpe Diem'.

Ordeals bond people together, but I would sooner not go through them, for the ruthless hurt it deals to those people I care about. This particular one may be a relatively minor one, but I can sense the darkness it portends...distant and insignificant, but hauntingly present nonetheless.

I write this not as a simple blog post, but to remind myself of what I felt this day. That one day, when things have all returned to complete (?) normalcy, and everything falls back to the same routine, all things will eventually be taken lightly once more, except perhaps for the light, yet indelible mark, the specter of dread haunting the very back of my mind.

It is inevitable, though I hate to say it, I can see myself with startling clarity -- no matter how hard I try, I will eventually revert back, for it is human nature to do so. Once past, the mind does not dwell overmuch upon certain matters unless one desires it, and it is the nature of all feelings and memories to fade with time. Already, as one feels the familiar surroundings, memories fade. One day, I will read this, and know that I have once thought like this.

Until the next ...which does not even bear thinking about.

Cliche. But there you go. That's life. I'm human too.



As an afterthought, I wonder: Have I been changed, or is it the same me? Is this change permanent? But I cannot say.